Hello everyone,

Today's post is going to be slightly on the sadder side of things, so don't worry if you don't feel up to reading it. I won't be upset or offended, I am mainly writing this post because I wish I'd had it to read when I was grieving. 

Loss is a terrible thing. In the past I've dealt with the loss of many pets, some not even my own (Yes, I was terribly saddened over the death of one of the Blue Peter dogs) and it's terrible. 

I had never had to REALLY deal with the loss of a human loved one before. It's something you dread to think about, don't want to talk about. It's something scary. 

I've always been close to my grandparents. But, in 2010 something changed when my Grandfather fell ill. I almost felt my duty was to make him better, that I was his only hope. Therefore, I had to be strong. A big part of me felt a duty to hold my family together. 
I truthfully thought he was going to die. The thought of death at that age was terrifying. He wasn't at all himself, he'd changed.
Slowly, his situation improved. Although he was never the same as he was before he was Bamps again. 

He always thanked me for how I was to him. He often told me that I'd  stopped him from dying. Somehow, I can't remember much of life with Bamps before his illness in 2010. In my opinion, we we're so much closer after the illness. 

Bamps was one of my best friends. We would share a laugh, a secret and a cheeky smile often. A hug from him warmed my heart and is something I'll never forget. 
You may have caught on that I'm talking in past tense. Sadly, Bamps passed away in November 2013. He'd gone very ill at the end of June and ended up moving to a care home. That is where he died.

Part of me knew he was dying, but the other part of me wouldn't let me believe it. I was told he was dying a few days before and I didn't cry. I dealt with it. I put on a brave face and got on with things.

I woke up the morning he died and was told of his death. First, I was fine. Then it hit me. I'd just lost one of the most important people in my life and I hadn't even had the chance to say goodbye because I'd never gone to visit him in the care home. I blamed myself for this. I felt an extreme amount if guilt for not going to say goodbye. 
The day of his passing was one of the hardest days of my life. It all becomes real when the sympathy cards arrive, the funeral director and the vicar visit & the family inform all of his friends and other family members of his passing. 
Then you have to decide- 'Will I go to the Funeral?' 'Am I strong enough to go?' 
I went to my Granddad's funeral and personally I'm so very glad I did. It was an opportunity for all who loved him to come together, share memories and celebrate his fantastic life. 

The guilt I spoke of earlier is a normal part of grieving. You often look for someone or something to blame. But I had to realise that even if I had gone to the home I wouldn't have been visiting the grandfather I'd known. He had changed. And I didn't want to have to remember him for the state I saw him in. 

photo source: google images

One of my best tips for dealing with grief is to find someone you really trust to talk to. I did, and we didn't always talk about him we often spoke of general things. This was a teacher. A teacher I really trust. And when I spoke with her I felt safe and comfortable. 
It is so important to be able to talk about your feelings, because bottling it all up won't do you any good as it'll just eat away inside. 

Another comfort is a hug. Two of my closest family friends visited the day after, and the hugs I received made me feel as if everything was going to be okay (even if I did burst into tears).

My final tip is to look back. Look back at all the good times you shared and be grateful that you have those memories for the rest of your life. 

Grief is a terrible thing, but sadly it's a part of life.
Sending you all best wishes.

Thank you for visiting the blog.

Take care,
Eve
xx

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